I recently found this link on facebook (go facebook!) and it really hit home to me. It made me wonder how many of my friends and family feel like this, and I thought that maybe some of you might get something out of it, too. So here you go.
Perfect Girls/Starving Daughters
Monday, February 23, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
A Time to Sow... or is that sew?
Pretty much my favorite thing in the whole wide world, aside from the people I love, is gardening. I got hooked on it when I was a kid, and was forever after converted when I planted my first Concord Grape vine in the back yard of our starter home. My favorite memories from childhood on up are lazy days spent watering and cultivating my gardens. I love it when it's sunny and you can feel the water evaporating out of the ground- when everything is still except for the breeze and the sound of big fat bumblebees buzzing about. I also get a total high from watching seedlings and little tiny seeds that I planted bring forth fruit in their season. I also love eating the food that I plant because it tastes better and because I use only organic fertilizers and pesticides, so I know it's better for my family.
I know it's only half way through February, but I'm already gearing up for this year's garden. My plan is to take out the three hideous bridal veil bushes I have in the back yard and replace them with an apple tree, a cherry tree, and a blackberry bush respectively. Last year I focused on flowers, but it takes the same ammount of time and water to grow flowers as it does food, and you can't really eat flowers.
On tap for this spring and summer are: radishes, peas, green beans and wax beans, chiles, onions, radishes, beets (I did eat all but one or two of the beets I accidentally on purpose planted last year), spinach, mixed salad greens, tomatoes, cucumbers, melons, the fruit trees (which probably won't bring in fruit for a couple of years, but that's ok), and if I can fit them in somewhere- raspberries. I am actually planning on spending most of the month of June (after I get back from London), the entire month of July, and a good deal of August just wandering about in my back yard eating things while I weed. Mmm. Heaven.
Not making a return this year: corn and pumpkins. The corn sapped too much water and didn't yield enough food to be worth it, and the pumpkins basically ate my melons, and while they were very cute, did not actually provide me with anything edible. Are you noticing a trend here?
I spent some time today downloading the planting guide for my micro-climate and am highlighting away with glee. I am also planning some roses, peonies, and various bulb plants for the front yard (in addition to my Strawberry garden). It's going to be a good summer, I think.
As far as sewing fits in, I recently realized how much fun I have making clothes for Andrei. I sewed his Peter Pan costume for Halloween, as well as a coordinating Captain Hook costume, which won us a prize at my school's Halloween carnival. Since then, I've been dreaming up similar costumes that he can use for imaginative play with his friends. He really loves role playing games, and it's really good for his cognitive development. His friends are always a little hesitant at first, but once he shows them his impressive collection of costumes and props they warm up to it and then beg me to let them play longer when it's clean-up time. I think that's something kids, especially boys, don't get anymore in today's society- the chance to just imagine and play. We tend to just throw GameBoy's and PSP's at them and then shove them in a dark room so that they'll shut up and leave us alone. I think that's the worst thing we can be doing with our boys, so I always make sure to give Andrei manipulatives and imagination-based toys or problem-solving toys so he doesn't get too accustomed to just having images fed to him. He has a Ninja Turtle costume, Indiana Jones, Superman, Batman, Peter Pan and Captain Hook, plus other random costumes he makes up for himself out of his regular clothing.
Anyway, our most recent project is creating costumes so he can play Arabian Nights with his cousins/friends. First on the list is the Genie's costume.
When I was 12 we went to Disneyland and one of the big things back then was the Indiana Jones ride. All the gift shops were full of fake artifacts, including a very realistic oil lamp ala Aladdin. I, of course, had to have it. It makes a wonderful prop when we're playing pirates (along with Andrei's impressive collection of Pirate Booty), and has recently taken center stage in his Genie adventures. Here's some pictures:
Andrei looks pretty nonplussed in the Genie costume because he hates having his picture taken. As soon as I snapped it, he jumped down and starting running around like a maniac. Please note the Genie's lamp in his right hand. Sweet, huh?
Andrei looks pretty nonplussed in the Genie costume because he hates having his picture taken. As soon as I snapped it, he jumped down and starting running around like a maniac. Please note the Genie's lamp in his right hand. Sweet, huh?Next on our list is Aladdin, and then possibly Princess Jasmine. Right now I don't have any little girl costumes, but Andy's cousin Jenny likes to play dress-up, too, so I am thinking I need to start coming up with some costumes for her, like Tinkerbell and Jasmine. FUN!!!
Monday, February 16, 2009
Cough, Cough...
So I spent most of today in waiting rooms. Sick.
First we went to go get our taxes done. Every year we say we're going to a legit place but end up going to the same old dive we go every year- Sergio Centro Latino. Sergio is an Argentinian guy with an ambiguously shady past who happens to be the most successful tax accountant in Utah county mainly because he caters to Latinos with similarly shady pasts. Hence, most of the people I know and associate with get their taxes done there.
Let me paint you a picture. When you get there, the waiting room literally looks like the waiting room at a free clinic, complete with jam-covered toys for the tots, mismatching rows of chairs with shabby upholstery, and an obnoxious buzzing tv turned to an even more obnoxious television program (in this casa Noticias Galavision!). You take a number, wait 30 minutes, sit down with some lackey hired to type in the info on your W-2's and then wait another 20 minutes to talk to another lackey who handles people with no unusual tax issues.
If you own a business, a house, a rental property, or anything else that requires a brain to process, you wait another 50 minutes to sit down with the man himself- Sergio (last name unknown). Sergio is a tall, white-haired man with olive skin and a thick accent who is basically a magician who's specialty is slight-of-hand with income tax. He interviews you, asks you about anything that you might possibly count as a deduction, types everything in and presto- 20 minutes later you walk out with a tax refund you probably don't deserve.
It's all very shady and I'm constantly afraid we're going to get audited, although Sergio swears it's all legit and we've been using his services for 5 years with no problem.
Also, we have 2 houses, 2 full-time jobs, and 2 businesses on-the-side so I don't really feel like the H and R Block kiosk at WalMart can really fulfill our tax accounting needs, although next year I'm pretty sure we're going somewhere else. I said that last year, though, so we'll see how it works out.
Regardless, our refund this year is actually double my income from the first year we filed joint taxes, which made me feel nostalgic and totally happy. It's nice to see that your life is moving forward.
After that, I needed to eat so we drove a block north and ate at Apollo Burger- the world's single greatest fast-food chain. It's actually not a chain, I think. There are three restaurants that I know of- one in Orem, one in Provo, and one in SLC (there may be more). They all have different names, identical menus, and almost-identical food. They are owned by a Greek family (or families) and Luis swears that the reason they all have different names is for tax-evasion purposes. Hmm... Are you noticing a theme?
Anyway, the make the best sandwiches on the planet and their menu is a mix of mom-and-pop's drive-in burger joint and Greek food, which is nice for a change. I highly recommend it. They also have the best fry-sauce on the planet. I don't even like fries, but I order them from Apollo Burger because I need them to convey the fry sauce from my plate to my mouth. Mmm. Delicious. Luis only at half a tuna melt because he's got strep and when the big man gets sick, he REALLY gets sick. He's barely eaten anything for the past 48 hours, but I forced him to eat some protein so he could function, which he isn't really doing well right now, especially after the crying baby extravaganza at Sergio's. I'm not exaggerating. The second lackey was literally carrying her snot-covered crying baby in one hand while typing our tax info into the computer with her other hand.
After that we went home to bask in our tax-refund glory. Aka we took a nap.
When we woke up we got Andrei from Rogelio's where he'd been spending the day with his cousins for a couple of reasons: a. We don't want him to get strep which Luis has and which I apparently have as well and b. we didn't really think that sitting around for 2 hours at a tax accountant's office would be good for our family's mental health. If you've ever observed Andrei and I interact in public, you will have experienced why we are not allowed to sit in waiting rooms together for long periods of time.
We then took Andrei and myself to the doctor to get anti-biotics for his sinus infection and my strep and when we got home after 2 hours it was bed time. Woot.
Happy President's Day!
Oh. I forgot- I dyed my hair today back to almost it's real color. I'm not sure because I've been dying my hair since I was 19 and I'm not entirely positive what color it is anymore, but I took a guess and it looks pretty good, so I'm going with it. I prefer blonde, but it's pretty much fried these days so I'm going to take a break this year from the monthly root-touch ups in an attempt to grow some hair that's not terribly damaged before it reaches my ears. If it's darker than you remembered it's because my hair actually has darkened quite a bit since 2001, but it's been masked by Garnier Nutrisse number 91B. Here's some photographic evidence.
Ta da! Please not the eyebrows and hair are virtually the same color. Mission accomplished!
Hope you had a good day, too!
First we went to go get our taxes done. Every year we say we're going to a legit place but end up going to the same old dive we go every year- Sergio Centro Latino. Sergio is an Argentinian guy with an ambiguously shady past who happens to be the most successful tax accountant in Utah county mainly because he caters to Latinos with similarly shady pasts. Hence, most of the people I know and associate with get their taxes done there.
Let me paint you a picture. When you get there, the waiting room literally looks like the waiting room at a free clinic, complete with jam-covered toys for the tots, mismatching rows of chairs with shabby upholstery, and an obnoxious buzzing tv turned to an even more obnoxious television program (in this casa Noticias Galavision!). You take a number, wait 30 minutes, sit down with some lackey hired to type in the info on your W-2's and then wait another 20 minutes to talk to another lackey who handles people with no unusual tax issues.
If you own a business, a house, a rental property, or anything else that requires a brain to process, you wait another 50 minutes to sit down with the man himself- Sergio (last name unknown). Sergio is a tall, white-haired man with olive skin and a thick accent who is basically a magician who's specialty is slight-of-hand with income tax. He interviews you, asks you about anything that you might possibly count as a deduction, types everything in and presto- 20 minutes later you walk out with a tax refund you probably don't deserve.
It's all very shady and I'm constantly afraid we're going to get audited, although Sergio swears it's all legit and we've been using his services for 5 years with no problem.
Also, we have 2 houses, 2 full-time jobs, and 2 businesses on-the-side so I don't really feel like the H and R Block kiosk at WalMart can really fulfill our tax accounting needs, although next year I'm pretty sure we're going somewhere else. I said that last year, though, so we'll see how it works out.
Regardless, our refund this year is actually double my income from the first year we filed joint taxes, which made me feel nostalgic and totally happy. It's nice to see that your life is moving forward.
After that, I needed to eat so we drove a block north and ate at Apollo Burger- the world's single greatest fast-food chain. It's actually not a chain, I think. There are three restaurants that I know of- one in Orem, one in Provo, and one in SLC (there may be more). They all have different names, identical menus, and almost-identical food. They are owned by a Greek family (or families) and Luis swears that the reason they all have different names is for tax-evasion purposes. Hmm... Are you noticing a theme?
Anyway, the make the best sandwiches on the planet and their menu is a mix of mom-and-pop's drive-in burger joint and Greek food, which is nice for a change. I highly recommend it. They also have the best fry-sauce on the planet. I don't even like fries, but I order them from Apollo Burger because I need them to convey the fry sauce from my plate to my mouth. Mmm. Delicious. Luis only at half a tuna melt because he's got strep and when the big man gets sick, he REALLY gets sick. He's barely eaten anything for the past 48 hours, but I forced him to eat some protein so he could function, which he isn't really doing well right now, especially after the crying baby extravaganza at Sergio's. I'm not exaggerating. The second lackey was literally carrying her snot-covered crying baby in one hand while typing our tax info into the computer with her other hand.
After that we went home to bask in our tax-refund glory. Aka we took a nap.
When we woke up we got Andrei from Rogelio's where he'd been spending the day with his cousins for a couple of reasons: a. We don't want him to get strep which Luis has and which I apparently have as well and b. we didn't really think that sitting around for 2 hours at a tax accountant's office would be good for our family's mental health. If you've ever observed Andrei and I interact in public, you will have experienced why we are not allowed to sit in waiting rooms together for long periods of time.
We then took Andrei and myself to the doctor to get anti-biotics for his sinus infection and my strep and when we got home after 2 hours it was bed time. Woot.
Happy President's Day!
Oh. I forgot- I dyed my hair today back to almost it's real color. I'm not sure because I've been dying my hair since I was 19 and I'm not entirely positive what color it is anymore, but I took a guess and it looks pretty good, so I'm going with it. I prefer blonde, but it's pretty much fried these days so I'm going to take a break this year from the monthly root-touch ups in an attempt to grow some hair that's not terribly damaged before it reaches my ears. If it's darker than you remembered it's because my hair actually has darkened quite a bit since 2001, but it's been masked by Garnier Nutrisse number 91B. Here's some photographic evidence.
Ta da! Please not the eyebrows and hair are virtually the same color. Mission accomplished!
Hope you had a good day, too!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Baby, Te Quiero
In honor of the 14th, I'm dedicating this post to my dear husband. I feel kind of bad that most of you who read this blog don't know him very well, because he's a really awesome guy. Case in point: Valentine's Day. Saturday we have Andrei so we're celebrating V-Day tomorrow. However, Luis is DJ'ing a gig tomorrow, so it'll be a short celebration. I may not even make it out of bed tomorrow because I feel a cold coming on, and I think this one is going to be a doozy (side note, in the 5 year's we've celebrated V-Day, I have been horribly, horribly ill 4 of them. If I don't start perking up, I may be 5 for 5).
So anyway, Luis and I are just planning on keeping it simple. We're going out to dinner and that's about it. I was, however, totally swept off my feet this evening when he showed up with gold earrings and a dozen roses for me. He was worried he would run out of time tomorrow, so he gave me my gift now. How romantic. It means more to me because that stuff doesn't come naturally to him, and he just does it because he knows I like it. What a guy, right?
I got him an engraved guitar pick that says "Baby, Te Quiero" on it- the title of my favorite sappy, obnoxious Spanish love song. If you've never heard of it, take a listen- but be careful because it'll stick.
So here's to Valentine's Day, sweet husbands, and love (after 7 wonderful years together)!
So anyway, Luis and I are just planning on keeping it simple. We're going out to dinner and that's about it. I was, however, totally swept off my feet this evening when he showed up with gold earrings and a dozen roses for me. He was worried he would run out of time tomorrow, so he gave me my gift now. How romantic. It means more to me because that stuff doesn't come naturally to him, and he just does it because he knows I like it. What a guy, right?
I got him an engraved guitar pick that says "Baby, Te Quiero" on it- the title of my favorite sappy, obnoxious Spanish love song. If you've never heard of it, take a listen- but be careful because it'll stick.
So here's to Valentine's Day, sweet husbands, and love (after 7 wonderful years together)!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
The Word of Wisdom and My Struggle with Infertility
I'm not a really churchy person (believe it or not). I used to be- back in the day I was Seminary Queen Bee, but not so much since I went to college. Ironically, my testimony suffered the most while I was attending BYU. Hmmm.
There are a few universal truths I believe in, though, and the gospel of Jesus Christ is one of them. Lately, I've been finding gospel truths show up in the most surprising places. Interestingly enough, I'm gaining a much stronger testimony of the Word of Wisdom these days since making my New Year's resolution to quit caffeine and sugar.
Believe it or not, I actually feel MORE energetic now that I'm off caffeine and sugar. I guess the constant highs and lows were wearing my body out a whole lot more than I realized. I've slipped up a couple of times and purchased a Coke or a Dr. Pepper. Today, I was feeling really run down, and I bought one, and I felt the worst after school that I have this entire month. The sugar thing, too, is making a much bigger difference than I realized.
I was reading D&C 89 the other day, looking for inspiration, and I realized that I've been really applying another portion of it to my life a lot lately, as well. Verses 10 and 11 talk about using herbs in their season, which is interesting because I've been using naturopathic remedies for the past year or so with some astonishing results.
For those of you who haven't heard much about my infertility journey, here's the long story. Beware, if you are sensitive to personal details this may not be for you.
When Luis and I first got married I was 2 weeks away from starting my student teaching. I went on birth control to ensure that I didn't get pregnant those first 18 weeks of marriage, because I figured being a newlywed, student teacher, and pregnant would be too much for even me to handle. I suffered from some serious physical side effects, though, including a 6 week long period, SERIOUS mood swings, and about 40 lbs. of weight gain... all in only 16 weeks. I was miserable and went off the pill as soon as I graduated. We had been married for 8 months, I had finished my degree, Luis was only a few months away from graduating, and I was ready to have a baby.
Things never really went back to normal, though, and I spent the first year of "not trying, but not NOT trying" struggling to lose the weight (I never did lose the last 15 pounds). After a year of literally nothing happening, I was declared medically "infertile," which, when your 23 years old, is a truly devastating thing to hear. My physicals and blood tests all came back normal, though, so my LPN basically told me that there was nothing wrong with me and if I just "relaxed" that it would happen. Also truly devastating things to hear when you are 23.
I did wait, and I did relax for another year. I took a temporary job and started reading up on infertility. The second year of "trying" was the worst. I did everything I was supposed to, including temping and charting every day for 6 months. At this point Luis had graduated, we had purchased our first house, and I was working part-time at Life Skills and caring for Andrei part time. I pretty much had a nervous breakdown at one point, struggling to cope with the injustice of how poorly Andrei's mother was caring for him and how seemingly apathetic Luis was about the whole situation. One time I tried to jump out of a moving car. My self esteem (and testimony) pretty much it rock bottom and I spent several months (most of 2005, actually) just living day-to-day. At the end of 2005 someone suggested to me that I get a dog so that I could take out my nurturing on something other than my out-of-control step-son and my husband, and having Bella really did help with that, but still it wasn't enough. On top of that, at this point I was pretty sure that all of my symptoms lead to PCOS, since I have basically all PCOS symptoms including male-pattern-baldness (shhhh...), adult acne, and the uncanny ability to locate my pancreas whenever I eat something sweet.
At this point I also had suffered from quite a few pregnancy scares when I had cysts burst. Did you know that a ruptured ovarian cyst feels like being stabbed in the back with a fiery knife, and that it produces the same quantity and type of hormone that an implanted embryo produces? I had backaches, vertigo, and morning sickness once for 3 weeks before 10 POAS pregnancy sticks convinced me it wasn't really happening.
The only problem with me and PCOS is that due to a court order requiring Luis and I provide full insurance coverage for Andrei, we have to buy the cheapest insurance out there; family insurance costs a lot more than couple's insurance. Ours does not cover infertility at all, and believe it or not, PCOS is considered a "fertility disorder," (I believe firmly it should be considered a "get cancer and die young" disorder). That means the meds and diagnostic tests used to treat it are all out-of-pocket. $350 for an ultrasound so that they can tell me what I already know? No THANKS!!
In 2006 I decided to go back to work full-time. Andrei was 4, his mom had a semi-permanent residence, and I decided sitting around home all day obsessing about the not-getting-pregnant thing was literally destroying my soul. I signed back on full time at Life Skills and within 2 months was promoted over 10 employees to a management position. That summer I got offered a job at Dixon teaching. I took it, desperate to leave behind all the sad memories from my time at Life Skills- a job I loved but that I had only taken "to keep me busy until I get pregnant and could stay at home."
I also took PSD insurance and finally got a doctor who would perscribe me Metformin (the supposed "miracle drug" for PCOS sufferers). I was also slated to start Clomid (the miracle fertility drug for barren 20-somethings). Rather than losing weight and balancing my body, Metformin messed up my blood sugar levels, gave me the runs on a daily basis, and I ended up gaining 15 pounds. When I started Clomid, I gained another 10, and spent a small fortune in Ovulation predictor kits and First Response Pregnancy tests. No dice.
Summer of '07 I finally ovulated (for the first time since May '02), but it ended in what I am pretty sure was an early term miscarriage. My perscriptions ran out in November '07. I was too heart broken to renew them. That month, we switched back to the cheap insurance.
I spent most of '08 just trying to move on with my life. I started a company. I got 3 church callings and an assignment. I got a full-time kid when Andrei moved in with us. I got a little sad when the 4 year anniversary of us "trying" rolled around in April. I got jealous when my little sister Emily with her full-coverage insurance got referred to a real Fertility Specialist and had a diagnostic laproscopy performed. I got excited when Bella had puppies. I got really excited when we bought our pretty new house. I got sad when Emily suffered the same crushing disappointment I suffered (she's much stronger than I am, btw).
In the past 5 years I have had over 20 nieces and nephews born (yup. No exaggeration). I have been promoted in 2 different jobs. I have finished half of my Master's Degree. I have bought two houses and gained and lost the same 20 pounds five times. I have learned Spanish. I have traveled thousands of miles on dozens of road-trips. I have spent hundreds of hours researching my medical condition. I have had one ultra-sound that revealed that I may not have cysts on my ovaries at all, by this point.
The one thing I have not done is find something that balances my hormones and allows me to feel well... until the past 6 weeks. I am SURE that my adherence to a stricter dietary regimine is allowing my body to heal for the first time, and that my more-relaxed life style isn't hurting much either. I am also sure that kicking a 10 year long addiction to caffeinated cola had made a huge difference. I'm also sure that the research I've done on natural remedies for my disease is starting to pay off as well. I've been taking a variety of natural supplements (nothing weird- just plants and bee pollen). I ovulated this month for the first time since the miscarriage in July '07 (the first time since May '02 without taking synthetic hormone blockers). It was totally unexpected and a complete surprise. Probably the best birthday present I've ever been given, as ridiculous as it sounds.
The funny thing is, though, that along the way, I think that I've realized that as much as I long for Earthly children, my testimony in the eternal nature of families that has grown throughout all of this has taken away the agonizing hunger for babies. I know that even if my body isn't perfect, Heavenly Father's plan for me is, and that some day I will be a mother, regardless. I've also realized that even though I don't have physical children, my role as a nurturer and care-taker of other's children (Andrei and my students), allows me the same opportunities (in some ways, on a much-larger scale). I've also gained a great appreciation for the value of good-health (when you wake up sick 6 days out of 7, you really cling to the 1 good day you have), and I've learned to respect and love my body for what it is capable of doing. I've also learned the importance of forgiveness- most importantly forgivng myself for my imperfections.
All in all, I'm happier now than I've ever been in my married life. I finally feel that I am at peace, and I feel like my testimony, despite the challenges it's faced, is stronger now than it was before. And regardless of whether my health continues to improve or decline or whatever(!), I'm so glad to be where I am at today. Baby or no baby, I think the journey has been worth it.
Joseph Smith may not have been a perfect man, but the Word of Wisdom is perfect as far as I'm concerned. If you haven't read it in a while, I encourage you to sit down and take another look at it.
There are a few universal truths I believe in, though, and the gospel of Jesus Christ is one of them. Lately, I've been finding gospel truths show up in the most surprising places. Interestingly enough, I'm gaining a much stronger testimony of the Word of Wisdom these days since making my New Year's resolution to quit caffeine and sugar.
Believe it or not, I actually feel MORE energetic now that I'm off caffeine and sugar. I guess the constant highs and lows were wearing my body out a whole lot more than I realized. I've slipped up a couple of times and purchased a Coke or a Dr. Pepper. Today, I was feeling really run down, and I bought one, and I felt the worst after school that I have this entire month. The sugar thing, too, is making a much bigger difference than I realized.
I was reading D&C 89 the other day, looking for inspiration, and I realized that I've been really applying another portion of it to my life a lot lately, as well. Verses 10 and 11 talk about using herbs in their season, which is interesting because I've been using naturopathic remedies for the past year or so with some astonishing results.
For those of you who haven't heard much about my infertility journey, here's the long story. Beware, if you are sensitive to personal details this may not be for you.
When Luis and I first got married I was 2 weeks away from starting my student teaching. I went on birth control to ensure that I didn't get pregnant those first 18 weeks of marriage, because I figured being a newlywed, student teacher, and pregnant would be too much for even me to handle. I suffered from some serious physical side effects, though, including a 6 week long period, SERIOUS mood swings, and about 40 lbs. of weight gain... all in only 16 weeks. I was miserable and went off the pill as soon as I graduated. We had been married for 8 months, I had finished my degree, Luis was only a few months away from graduating, and I was ready to have a baby.
Things never really went back to normal, though, and I spent the first year of "not trying, but not NOT trying" struggling to lose the weight (I never did lose the last 15 pounds). After a year of literally nothing happening, I was declared medically "infertile," which, when your 23 years old, is a truly devastating thing to hear. My physicals and blood tests all came back normal, though, so my LPN basically told me that there was nothing wrong with me and if I just "relaxed" that it would happen. Also truly devastating things to hear when you are 23.
I did wait, and I did relax for another year. I took a temporary job and started reading up on infertility. The second year of "trying" was the worst. I did everything I was supposed to, including temping and charting every day for 6 months. At this point Luis had graduated, we had purchased our first house, and I was working part-time at Life Skills and caring for Andrei part time. I pretty much had a nervous breakdown at one point, struggling to cope with the injustice of how poorly Andrei's mother was caring for him and how seemingly apathetic Luis was about the whole situation. One time I tried to jump out of a moving car. My self esteem (and testimony) pretty much it rock bottom and I spent several months (most of 2005, actually) just living day-to-day. At the end of 2005 someone suggested to me that I get a dog so that I could take out my nurturing on something other than my out-of-control step-son and my husband, and having Bella really did help with that, but still it wasn't enough. On top of that, at this point I was pretty sure that all of my symptoms lead to PCOS, since I have basically all PCOS symptoms including male-pattern-baldness (shhhh...), adult acne, and the uncanny ability to locate my pancreas whenever I eat something sweet.
At this point I also had suffered from quite a few pregnancy scares when I had cysts burst. Did you know that a ruptured ovarian cyst feels like being stabbed in the back with a fiery knife, and that it produces the same quantity and type of hormone that an implanted embryo produces? I had backaches, vertigo, and morning sickness once for 3 weeks before 10 POAS pregnancy sticks convinced me it wasn't really happening.
The only problem with me and PCOS is that due to a court order requiring Luis and I provide full insurance coverage for Andrei, we have to buy the cheapest insurance out there; family insurance costs a lot more than couple's insurance. Ours does not cover infertility at all, and believe it or not, PCOS is considered a "fertility disorder," (I believe firmly it should be considered a "get cancer and die young" disorder). That means the meds and diagnostic tests used to treat it are all out-of-pocket. $350 for an ultrasound so that they can tell me what I already know? No THANKS!!
In 2006 I decided to go back to work full-time. Andrei was 4, his mom had a semi-permanent residence, and I decided sitting around home all day obsessing about the not-getting-pregnant thing was literally destroying my soul. I signed back on full time at Life Skills and within 2 months was promoted over 10 employees to a management position. That summer I got offered a job at Dixon teaching. I took it, desperate to leave behind all the sad memories from my time at Life Skills- a job I loved but that I had only taken "to keep me busy until I get pregnant and could stay at home."
I also took PSD insurance and finally got a doctor who would perscribe me Metformin (the supposed "miracle drug" for PCOS sufferers). I was also slated to start Clomid (the miracle fertility drug for barren 20-somethings). Rather than losing weight and balancing my body, Metformin messed up my blood sugar levels, gave me the runs on a daily basis, and I ended up gaining 15 pounds. When I started Clomid, I gained another 10, and spent a small fortune in Ovulation predictor kits and First Response Pregnancy tests. No dice.
Summer of '07 I finally ovulated (for the first time since May '02), but it ended in what I am pretty sure was an early term miscarriage. My perscriptions ran out in November '07. I was too heart broken to renew them. That month, we switched back to the cheap insurance.
I spent most of '08 just trying to move on with my life. I started a company. I got 3 church callings and an assignment. I got a full-time kid when Andrei moved in with us. I got a little sad when the 4 year anniversary of us "trying" rolled around in April. I got jealous when my little sister Emily with her full-coverage insurance got referred to a real Fertility Specialist and had a diagnostic laproscopy performed. I got excited when Bella had puppies. I got really excited when we bought our pretty new house. I got sad when Emily suffered the same crushing disappointment I suffered (she's much stronger than I am, btw).
In the past 5 years I have had over 20 nieces and nephews born (yup. No exaggeration). I have been promoted in 2 different jobs. I have finished half of my Master's Degree. I have bought two houses and gained and lost the same 20 pounds five times. I have learned Spanish. I have traveled thousands of miles on dozens of road-trips. I have spent hundreds of hours researching my medical condition. I have had one ultra-sound that revealed that I may not have cysts on my ovaries at all, by this point.
The one thing I have not done is find something that balances my hormones and allows me to feel well... until the past 6 weeks. I am SURE that my adherence to a stricter dietary regimine is allowing my body to heal for the first time, and that my more-relaxed life style isn't hurting much either. I am also sure that kicking a 10 year long addiction to caffeinated cola had made a huge difference. I'm also sure that the research I've done on natural remedies for my disease is starting to pay off as well. I've been taking a variety of natural supplements (nothing weird- just plants and bee pollen). I ovulated this month for the first time since the miscarriage in July '07 (the first time since May '02 without taking synthetic hormone blockers). It was totally unexpected and a complete surprise. Probably the best birthday present I've ever been given, as ridiculous as it sounds.
The funny thing is, though, that along the way, I think that I've realized that as much as I long for Earthly children, my testimony in the eternal nature of families that has grown throughout all of this has taken away the agonizing hunger for babies. I know that even if my body isn't perfect, Heavenly Father's plan for me is, and that some day I will be a mother, regardless. I've also realized that even though I don't have physical children, my role as a nurturer and care-taker of other's children (Andrei and my students), allows me the same opportunities (in some ways, on a much-larger scale). I've also gained a great appreciation for the value of good-health (when you wake up sick 6 days out of 7, you really cling to the 1 good day you have), and I've learned to respect and love my body for what it is capable of doing. I've also learned the importance of forgiveness- most importantly forgivng myself for my imperfections.
All in all, I'm happier now than I've ever been in my married life. I finally feel that I am at peace, and I feel like my testimony, despite the challenges it's faced, is stronger now than it was before. And regardless of whether my health continues to improve or decline or whatever(!), I'm so glad to be where I am at today. Baby or no baby, I think the journey has been worth it.
Joseph Smith may not have been a perfect man, but the Word of Wisdom is perfect as far as I'm concerned. If you haven't read it in a while, I encourage you to sit down and take another look at it.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Oh, Brother!
The title of my post is very clever play on words. Read and learn.
I have a 6 1/2 year old boy. Ok, so he's not really mine, but he kind of is... side note: if you ever want to hear the story about the exact moment I realized I was the kid's parent, write me and ask. It's pretty funny and involves blue vomit.
In case you've never spent much time around kids, let me clue you in on a very basic biological truth: Boys and Girls are Different.
Case in point: clothes.
My boy views all his clothing, with the exception of church clothes, as full body armor that is to be tested and used with the express purpose of keeping his skin in tact in extreme play situations. This is great, because he usually wears long pants and long-sleeve t-shirts, thus saving me from running up massive band-aid bills. The problem is that his clothes have an average shelf life of about 4 weeks before they are ripped up. This combined with his excessive growth in the past 3 years makes it hard to keep the boy dressed (he's now a large 7 or small 8!).
So this brings me to the title of my post. I have tried bribing him, threatening him, punishing him, etc., but nothing seems to stem the tide of ripped clothes so I figured it's time to take action. Rather than buy new clothes I am now committed to patching up what he already has.
Patchy may not be thrilled about this (don't know- he hasn't seen his clothes yet), but I figure it's a logical consequence to him destroying everything he wears, right?
Tonight I pulled out my trusty "Brother" sewing machine and patched 3 pairs of his pants- sweats, khakis, and jeans. Not cute or subtle, but sufficiently sewn back together. I'm psyched. I just saved us like $30, and hopefully taught Patches a good lesson in caring for his property. Besides, he'll probably be grown out of everything he owns by June.
Does this make me a mean parent?
I have a 6 1/2 year old boy. Ok, so he's not really mine, but he kind of is... side note: if you ever want to hear the story about the exact moment I realized I was the kid's parent, write me and ask. It's pretty funny and involves blue vomit.
In case you've never spent much time around kids, let me clue you in on a very basic biological truth: Boys and Girls are Different.
Case in point: clothes.
My boy views all his clothing, with the exception of church clothes, as full body armor that is to be tested and used with the express purpose of keeping his skin in tact in extreme play situations. This is great, because he usually wears long pants and long-sleeve t-shirts, thus saving me from running up massive band-aid bills. The problem is that his clothes have an average shelf life of about 4 weeks before they are ripped up. This combined with his excessive growth in the past 3 years makes it hard to keep the boy dressed (he's now a large 7 or small 8!).
So this brings me to the title of my post. I have tried bribing him, threatening him, punishing him, etc., but nothing seems to stem the tide of ripped clothes so I figured it's time to take action. Rather than buy new clothes I am now committed to patching up what he already has.
Patchy may not be thrilled about this (don't know- he hasn't seen his clothes yet), but I figure it's a logical consequence to him destroying everything he wears, right?
Tonight I pulled out my trusty "Brother" sewing machine and patched 3 pairs of his pants- sweats, khakis, and jeans. Not cute or subtle, but sufficiently sewn back together. I'm psyched. I just saved us like $30, and hopefully taught Patches a good lesson in caring for his property. Besides, he'll probably be grown out of everything he owns by June.
Does this make me a mean parent?
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Things are looking up...
One of my favorite songs right now is Mr. Carter (by Lil' Wayne, who rocks!). It starts out with a really breathy intro with just a beat track and the following line: "I feel big. Like not big in the sense of weight. Like gaining weight or nothin' like that. Like collossal, like..."
I'm pretty sure it's one of the best opening lines of a literary work anywhere.
That's kind of how I'm feeling these days. My job still sucks, but I'm starting to finally see where I fit in and why I'm there.
Last week I blogged about my experience at church during the mid-week activities. Well, I had a major repeat of that today. I saw one of my former students who was having problem with grades, skipping school, fighting, tagging, and hanging out with gangs today. He was dressed in a 3 button black suit and tie passing the sacrament. I saw another student from the same class who was in the exact same situation there with his whole family and the missionaries.
Let me tell you- there is NO feeling in the world better than watching a kid go from wearing Crips blue to wearing a suit and tie and blessing/passing the sacrament.
Last night was crazy, too. I went to the quinceanera of one of my alumni and saw literally half of my 2nd period there- many of them with their families. Many of them non-member. I got stopped by former students of mine from literally 4 years of school- kids that are now 16 years +. It was great. I love feeling like I'm part of a community- not just a school or a church or a family, but a whole community. There is NO feeling out there to describe what it's like to know so many people and their kids and their parents and their siblings and to watch all these beautiful youth grow and flourish, etc. Let's just say it was cool.
After the quinceanera we went to a family friend's birthday party. Junior Frika is the oldest son of Arismandi and Rosalba Frika who are our former neighbors and best Dominican friends. :) They had possibly the greatest kids party I've ever been to. The kids just ran around like maniacs and the adults had an impromptu dance party in Aris's garage (he's a DJ). The garage is painted and soundproofed and rigged with speakers and lights- like a mini club.
I haven't had that much fun at someone's house in literally years! It was great because I knew Andrei was safe and wouldn't get in trouble (the Frika's kids are so crazy they make Andrei look like the role model!) and I could just let go and have a good time for once. If you know me, you know that never happens.
Anyway, things are looking up. This feels good.
I'm pretty sure it's one of the best opening lines of a literary work anywhere.
That's kind of how I'm feeling these days. My job still sucks, but I'm starting to finally see where I fit in and why I'm there.
Last week I blogged about my experience at church during the mid-week activities. Well, I had a major repeat of that today. I saw one of my former students who was having problem with grades, skipping school, fighting, tagging, and hanging out with gangs today. He was dressed in a 3 button black suit and tie passing the sacrament. I saw another student from the same class who was in the exact same situation there with his whole family and the missionaries.
Let me tell you- there is NO feeling in the world better than watching a kid go from wearing Crips blue to wearing a suit and tie and blessing/passing the sacrament.
Last night was crazy, too. I went to the quinceanera of one of my alumni and saw literally half of my 2nd period there- many of them with their families. Many of them non-member. I got stopped by former students of mine from literally 4 years of school- kids that are now 16 years +. It was great. I love feeling like I'm part of a community- not just a school or a church or a family, but a whole community. There is NO feeling out there to describe what it's like to know so many people and their kids and their parents and their siblings and to watch all these beautiful youth grow and flourish, etc. Let's just say it was cool.
After the quinceanera we went to a family friend's birthday party. Junior Frika is the oldest son of Arismandi and Rosalba Frika who are our former neighbors and best Dominican friends. :) They had possibly the greatest kids party I've ever been to. The kids just ran around like maniacs and the adults had an impromptu dance party in Aris's garage (he's a DJ). The garage is painted and soundproofed and rigged with speakers and lights- like a mini club.
I haven't had that much fun at someone's house in literally years! It was great because I knew Andrei was safe and wouldn't get in trouble (the Frika's kids are so crazy they make Andrei look like the role model!) and I could just let go and have a good time for once. If you know me, you know that never happens.
Anyway, things are looking up. This feels good.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Come, Come Ye Saints...
So as I mentioned in my previous post, I am a REALLY shy person except when you put me in front of a classroom full of kids. I don't know why, I've always been great with kids (babies and animals, too). It's a gift, I think. I've never had a problem entertaining even the nastiest little buggers, often for extended periods of time. Maybe that's why I felt drawn to teaching. Really, what is teaching besides an extended child-care experience with a text-book (especially in middle school- yeesh!).
Anyway, I don't know why I'm always confused when they call me to be in teaching/child-related callings at church. Except for a brief respite in the middle when I went inactive for a while, I've been pretty much in a teaching or primary-related calling since I was married. I was Enrichment leader for a while, but STUNK so they moved me to the Primary, where I also stunk, but less obviously. I've been there ever since.
I'm currently the 2nd counselor/boy scout person for our branch. That would be cool, except our Scout Master is a total dead-beat and has basically dropped off the face of the planet. After asking for a replacement like a dozen times, the branch presidency finally caved this evening. It was the Blue and Gold Banquet and he totally no-call/no-showed. NOT cool. The nice thing, though, is that our Primary President is like the coolest lady ever and realizes that as busy as I am I can't run scouts, teach Sharing time, and run my jobs all at once, so she pitched in a lot. Basically it was her and me running the show tonight- good thing I have the color-guard ceremony basically memorized, right? I did the decorations, conducted, passed out invitations a week ago, and Veronica (the P.P.) did the food and games. It was possibly the best Scout Activity we've ever had, although we were missing all the chants and badges and stuff (the S.M. has all that stuff and won't return my calls).
The coolest part, though, is that the Young Men were working on some sort of camping-related merit badge in the building, the Activity Days girls were there, and the good ol' Young Women were also doing their thing. The chapel was packed, and I mean PACKED.
The thing is, there must be a couple of YM and YW who have caught the missionary fire and are spreading it around. I saw literally 12 of my current and former students of all ages (from 16 down to 12) wandering around with good LDS boys and girls. Wow. There was Eddie, Alan (who I know by his former Gang Tag- Inches), Emmanuel, Kyler, Isaac and Alexis (brothers), Jessie, Jesus, Jose, Gaby, and Alan's brother, whose name escapes me. ALL of these kids are either converts or investigators. As in the case of Alan and his brother (why can't I remember the darn kid's name!?) they are often the only members of their families involved in the church. Most of them have a police rap sheet or a parent or sibling with one.
The really astonishing thing is, I see most of that group at church every week. And it's growing, which gives me a feeling I can't describe. My kids weren't the only ones there, either. There were literally 35+ Young Men plus about 20 Young Women... for BRANCH activities.
Like I mentioned, most of the kids I teach at school are either in a gang, trying to get in a gang, or have family members that are or at one point were involved in gangs. Everything I own is either stolen or tagged or destroyed by the end of the school year. I only have maybe a half dozen students out of 150 that have actually read a book cover-to-cover in their lifetime. Most of the time, I feel like I'm just wasting my time. But tonight when I was walking down that hall full of young men who were high-fiving me and saying "hey, teach!" it really sunk in that despite all the hardships and the struggle I go through trying to educate a group of kids that society has labeled "unteachable," every once and a while something might sink in.
Now I'm not taking credit for those boys there tonight. They are all the product of an AWESOME missionary program that someone in our branch is running; the product of brave young mens' missionary effort. What I am saying is that seeing them there gave me something I haven't had in my life for a LONG time- hope.
In these dark and desperate times the gospel of Jesus Christ provides a ray of truth and goodness that even a hardened youth like Inches can feel- truth that can inspire them to wash away the labels and the hatred and reclaim their names and identities.
Now, spreading that kind of goodness and truth and light? That's something I want to be a part of.
Anyway, I don't know why I'm always confused when they call me to be in teaching/child-related callings at church. Except for a brief respite in the middle when I went inactive for a while, I've been pretty much in a teaching or primary-related calling since I was married. I was Enrichment leader for a while, but STUNK so they moved me to the Primary, where I also stunk, but less obviously. I've been there ever since.
I'm currently the 2nd counselor/boy scout person for our branch. That would be cool, except our Scout Master is a total dead-beat and has basically dropped off the face of the planet. After asking for a replacement like a dozen times, the branch presidency finally caved this evening. It was the Blue and Gold Banquet and he totally no-call/no-showed. NOT cool. The nice thing, though, is that our Primary President is like the coolest lady ever and realizes that as busy as I am I can't run scouts, teach Sharing time, and run my jobs all at once, so she pitched in a lot. Basically it was her and me running the show tonight- good thing I have the color-guard ceremony basically memorized, right? I did the decorations, conducted, passed out invitations a week ago, and Veronica (the P.P.) did the food and games. It was possibly the best Scout Activity we've ever had, although we were missing all the chants and badges and stuff (the S.M. has all that stuff and won't return my calls).
The coolest part, though, is that the Young Men were working on some sort of camping-related merit badge in the building, the Activity Days girls were there, and the good ol' Young Women were also doing their thing. The chapel was packed, and I mean PACKED.
The thing is, there must be a couple of YM and YW who have caught the missionary fire and are spreading it around. I saw literally 12 of my current and former students of all ages (from 16 down to 12) wandering around with good LDS boys and girls. Wow. There was Eddie, Alan (who I know by his former Gang Tag- Inches), Emmanuel, Kyler, Isaac and Alexis (brothers), Jessie, Jesus, Jose, Gaby, and Alan's brother, whose name escapes me. ALL of these kids are either converts or investigators. As in the case of Alan and his brother (why can't I remember the darn kid's name!?) they are often the only members of their families involved in the church. Most of them have a police rap sheet or a parent or sibling with one.
The really astonishing thing is, I see most of that group at church every week. And it's growing, which gives me a feeling I can't describe. My kids weren't the only ones there, either. There were literally 35+ Young Men plus about 20 Young Women... for BRANCH activities.
Like I mentioned, most of the kids I teach at school are either in a gang, trying to get in a gang, or have family members that are or at one point were involved in gangs. Everything I own is either stolen or tagged or destroyed by the end of the school year. I only have maybe a half dozen students out of 150 that have actually read a book cover-to-cover in their lifetime. Most of the time, I feel like I'm just wasting my time. But tonight when I was walking down that hall full of young men who were high-fiving me and saying "hey, teach!" it really sunk in that despite all the hardships and the struggle I go through trying to educate a group of kids that society has labeled "unteachable," every once and a while something might sink in.
Now I'm not taking credit for those boys there tonight. They are all the product of an AWESOME missionary program that someone in our branch is running; the product of brave young mens' missionary effort. What I am saying is that seeing them there gave me something I haven't had in my life for a LONG time- hope.
In these dark and desperate times the gospel of Jesus Christ provides a ray of truth and goodness that even a hardened youth like Inches can feel- truth that can inspire them to wash away the labels and the hatred and reclaim their names and identities.
Now, spreading that kind of goodness and truth and light? That's something I want to be a part of.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Sing, Sing, Sing
I am a shy person. Like, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY shy. I can't even answer the phone if I don't know who it is and why they're calling. I blame it on a traumatic childhood and some unresolved fat-girl issues (that could be the subject of a whole other blog). The only exception to this is teaching, mostly because I've been doing it every day (including Sundays) for like 5 years now. After the first 2 months, I stopped puking before every lesson, and after the first year, the nervous sweating started to wear off. I think it's also because when I'm teaching, I'm in charge. I know more (or at least I have to assume I know more) about what I'm talking about than anyone else in the room. Not only that, I'm the absolute boss. But outside of my classroom doors, I'm am terrified to talk to people.
What does that have to do with music? Well, I love music. I am proficient in 2 instruments (violin and alto sax) and I know the basics of at least 2 more (flute, piano). I also sing, pretty well I might add (it's all genetics, I don't accept credit for it). The thing is, that despite my life's dream of being a professional musician, I am too scared to perform. In high school I maxed out on violin as 1st chair second violin. I should have tried out for like 5 solos in my choir Senior year, but was too scared. I tried out for the school talent show and choked during the audition and didn't make it. I tried out for Regional Orchestra and blacked out during the audition- to this day cannot remember a large portion of that evening. I played in the Klein School District's Solo and Ensemble contest and came in with gold and silver rankings a few times, but only in ensembles. I only ever performed one violin solo, and again, blacked out. Can't remember it. I came out with a II... just barely good enough for me to letter my Junior year.
After high school I totally dropped music. Part of that was because of a MAJOR trauma I suffered at 17, which pretty much killed music for me for years. Mostly it's because the un-auditioned choir and orchestra at BYU were such a joke compared to KHS's Chamber orchestra and top choir that it was worse than not playing/singing at all. We were doing stuff that I could have done in middle school. However, all the other performance groups were audition only and I was too scared to try out. I REALLY wanted to take advantage of the bounteous and affordable private lessons (since I've never had any for singing or violin save the charitable contributions of April Fillmore my Junior year of H.S.). It seemed kind of stuck up, though. I mean, who am I to assume I have a talent, right?
This sucks for me, because pretty much the only things I like doing are singing and painting- both of which require a great deal of outside critique and coaching to do seriously.
I would like to sing with Luis, who has the MOST gorgeous baritone voice I've heard in a long time. It sounds like liquid brass- like church bells ringing when he sings. He's weird about music, though. His mom treats him like a trained monkey and has been forcing him to sing on command for years. I think he doesn't like it because it feels like a chore for him. So that leaves me on my own. Basically I've been getting my music fix the past 10 years by sitting in the back row in church singing the heck out the hymns, which is about the most cowardly thing I can think of to do.
About a year ago I was approached by the choir director for our branch who asked me very nicely to please sing with them. Apparently she heard me belting out some tunes from the back row of church and thought I'd make a valuable addition to their group. The thing is, I've never even auditioned for a Stake Choir since I left home at 17. So I made up some excuse about being busy on Sundays and left it at that.
This summer I got an official assignment from the Branch President to sing in the choir (news spreads fast in a small branch, even if it's not newsworthy at all). So I bit the bullet and started going to choir practice. Well, long story short, my goal for this year is to try and do some solos or group numbers and finally get over my debilitating stage fright. I was asked to do a solo for Y.W.'s in November, and a group number for the Christmas program in our branch with Luis and another couple. Last week I sang a solo in Sacrament. I guess it went well because they just called me to invite me to do a Solo at the Stake Women's Conference on the 21st. Sigh. I really want to do this- start singing seriously again- but I'm so scared to get up in front of a group that I agonize over it for days and weeks. My dream is to some day sing with the Tabernacle Choir, but who knows if I'll ever get to that level of performance. Maybe. Maybe.
So here's my question for you- what do you all do when you feel like you need to do something that scares you? AND what can I sing for a conference that is based on D&C 25?
What does that have to do with music? Well, I love music. I am proficient in 2 instruments (violin and alto sax) and I know the basics of at least 2 more (flute, piano). I also sing, pretty well I might add (it's all genetics, I don't accept credit for it). The thing is, that despite my life's dream of being a professional musician, I am too scared to perform. In high school I maxed out on violin as 1st chair second violin. I should have tried out for like 5 solos in my choir Senior year, but was too scared. I tried out for the school talent show and choked during the audition and didn't make it. I tried out for Regional Orchestra and blacked out during the audition- to this day cannot remember a large portion of that evening. I played in the Klein School District's Solo and Ensemble contest and came in with gold and silver rankings a few times, but only in ensembles. I only ever performed one violin solo, and again, blacked out. Can't remember it. I came out with a II... just barely good enough for me to letter my Junior year.
After high school I totally dropped music. Part of that was because of a MAJOR trauma I suffered at 17, which pretty much killed music for me for years. Mostly it's because the un-auditioned choir and orchestra at BYU were such a joke compared to KHS's Chamber orchestra and top choir that it was worse than not playing/singing at all. We were doing stuff that I could have done in middle school. However, all the other performance groups were audition only and I was too scared to try out. I REALLY wanted to take advantage of the bounteous and affordable private lessons (since I've never had any for singing or violin save the charitable contributions of April Fillmore my Junior year of H.S.). It seemed kind of stuck up, though. I mean, who am I to assume I have a talent, right?
This sucks for me, because pretty much the only things I like doing are singing and painting- both of which require a great deal of outside critique and coaching to do seriously.
I would like to sing with Luis, who has the MOST gorgeous baritone voice I've heard in a long time. It sounds like liquid brass- like church bells ringing when he sings. He's weird about music, though. His mom treats him like a trained monkey and has been forcing him to sing on command for years. I think he doesn't like it because it feels like a chore for him. So that leaves me on my own. Basically I've been getting my music fix the past 10 years by sitting in the back row in church singing the heck out the hymns, which is about the most cowardly thing I can think of to do.
About a year ago I was approached by the choir director for our branch who asked me very nicely to please sing with them. Apparently she heard me belting out some tunes from the back row of church and thought I'd make a valuable addition to their group. The thing is, I've never even auditioned for a Stake Choir since I left home at 17. So I made up some excuse about being busy on Sundays and left it at that.
This summer I got an official assignment from the Branch President to sing in the choir (news spreads fast in a small branch, even if it's not newsworthy at all). So I bit the bullet and started going to choir practice. Well, long story short, my goal for this year is to try and do some solos or group numbers and finally get over my debilitating stage fright. I was asked to do a solo for Y.W.'s in November, and a group number for the Christmas program in our branch with Luis and another couple. Last week I sang a solo in Sacrament. I guess it went well because they just called me to invite me to do a Solo at the Stake Women's Conference on the 21st. Sigh. I really want to do this- start singing seriously again- but I'm so scared to get up in front of a group that I agonize over it for days and weeks. My dream is to some day sing with the Tabernacle Choir, but who knows if I'll ever get to that level of performance. Maybe. Maybe.
So here's my question for you- what do you all do when you feel like you need to do something that scares you? AND what can I sing for a conference that is based on D&C 25?
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Gratitude
My patriarchal blessing advised me to finish my college education and states that if I would do so, I would be grateful for it for the rest of my life.
I never really understood that until this past year. I REALLY hate being a teacher most of the time. It is grueling, truly thankless work that consumes large ammounts of my personal time and that leaves me drained beyond belief at the end of every day. I also REALLY love teaching most of the time. I know that every day that I am at work I am noticed and appreciated and that I'm making a true difference in the lives of our future leaders. I also love how middle schoolers are still teetering on the verge of innocence, and how the true goodness of the human spirit is manifest in them every day. I also hate that they are noisy, OBNOXIOUS, and overflowing with puberty.
However, all things considered, it's a pretty good job. I get all weekends and holidays off without asking, I never have to pull a double shift, and even though summers are not "Free" they're a whole lot more flexible than most adults have. On top of that, I get paid about as much as my bank manager husband does. Ok. He technically takes home like $4,000 more a year than I do, but that's not bad considering I'm a woman and 5 years younger than he, I guess.
The other thing I'm really grateful for is that of all the companies that are downsizing and laying off employees, the LAST thing to go in the company that I work for will be the teachers. They are closing schools and combining jobs and laying off support personnel, but they still need adults in the classrooms so the teachers are all guaranteed to keep their jobs. Not only that, if they were to start laying off teachers, my job would be the LAST one to go. I am the only bilingual English teacher at a school with a 45% hispanic enrollment. (Spanish is another thing I'm glad I was divinely inspired to study).
In these scary times when the economy is so tight we've been blessed with prosperity. In addition to the beautiful, comfortable home that I am sitting in right now, we also still own our starter home which we rent out to some friends of Luis. If there were a true crisis and we had to lose our home, we'd still have a safe, comfortable, clean place to live. I may complaing about having to wake up at 6:30 every morning to be at school by 7:30, but there's a lot of people out there now days that would be so lucky to have that opportunity.
Luis also is greatly blessed to be working for one of the largest, most stable financial institutions in the world. Wells Fargo may have crappy customer service and they may not offer their employees any perks, but they are actually ranked the 3rd or 4th (I forget) safest bank in the WORLD. Rather than have his job cut like so many other businesses are doing, he actually was just given a raise.
We may not ever be millionaires and we may not get to retire when we're 40, but we are blessed to be as comfortable, especially since we're just starting out in life. In fact while so many are struggling to stay afloat we can actually afford luxuries like delicious, high-quality food and long vacations, which believe me, I don't take for granted.
Anyway, thank heavens for an inspired patriarch who mentioned college in my blessing. When things were really difficult my 2nd year of BYU and I wanted every day to quit I kept going simply because of that counsel. I am SO grateful to be where I am in life.
I never really understood that until this past year. I REALLY hate being a teacher most of the time. It is grueling, truly thankless work that consumes large ammounts of my personal time and that leaves me drained beyond belief at the end of every day. I also REALLY love teaching most of the time. I know that every day that I am at work I am noticed and appreciated and that I'm making a true difference in the lives of our future leaders. I also love how middle schoolers are still teetering on the verge of innocence, and how the true goodness of the human spirit is manifest in them every day. I also hate that they are noisy, OBNOXIOUS, and overflowing with puberty.
However, all things considered, it's a pretty good job. I get all weekends and holidays off without asking, I never have to pull a double shift, and even though summers are not "Free" they're a whole lot more flexible than most adults have. On top of that, I get paid about as much as my bank manager husband does. Ok. He technically takes home like $4,000 more a year than I do, but that's not bad considering I'm a woman and 5 years younger than he, I guess.
The other thing I'm really grateful for is that of all the companies that are downsizing and laying off employees, the LAST thing to go in the company that I work for will be the teachers. They are closing schools and combining jobs and laying off support personnel, but they still need adults in the classrooms so the teachers are all guaranteed to keep their jobs. Not only that, if they were to start laying off teachers, my job would be the LAST one to go. I am the only bilingual English teacher at a school with a 45% hispanic enrollment. (Spanish is another thing I'm glad I was divinely inspired to study).
In these scary times when the economy is so tight we've been blessed with prosperity. In addition to the beautiful, comfortable home that I am sitting in right now, we also still own our starter home which we rent out to some friends of Luis. If there were a true crisis and we had to lose our home, we'd still have a safe, comfortable, clean place to live. I may complaing about having to wake up at 6:30 every morning to be at school by 7:30, but there's a lot of people out there now days that would be so lucky to have that opportunity.
Luis also is greatly blessed to be working for one of the largest, most stable financial institutions in the world. Wells Fargo may have crappy customer service and they may not offer their employees any perks, but they are actually ranked the 3rd or 4th (I forget) safest bank in the WORLD. Rather than have his job cut like so many other businesses are doing, he actually was just given a raise.
We may not ever be millionaires and we may not get to retire when we're 40, but we are blessed to be as comfortable, especially since we're just starting out in life. In fact while so many are struggling to stay afloat we can actually afford luxuries like delicious, high-quality food and long vacations, which believe me, I don't take for granted.
Anyway, thank heavens for an inspired patriarch who mentioned college in my blessing. When things were really difficult my 2nd year of BYU and I wanted every day to quit I kept going simply because of that counsel. I am SO grateful to be where I am in life.
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