A Confession and a Resolution

So last week I blogged about my New Year's Resolutions. I didn't, however, blog about my secret resolution that I have decided to make un-secret. I have decided to address and attempt to stop binge eating for 365 days.
I am a binge-eater. I have been for most of my life. It started after my parents got divorced. It may have started before. I'm not sure. I was only 7 when my parents split up and I don't remember food being an issue before then. I do remember, however, that after the divorce my weight became a non-stop topic of discussion in my house, and that I was put on a diet, which 23 years later I am still on. I also started hoarding food and eating it in secret. HUGE quantities of food.  I've hinted at this before, but usually I skirt around the issue because I am in a constant state of denial that my eating is under control, but it's really not.
Binge eating is scary. I know that it will kill me if I don't get it under control either through chronic disease or through mental illness and its consequences. I used to purge after binging. I was bulimic throughout most of my teen years and early 20's. I stopped purging about 6 years ago, although I occasionally have a relapse. The problem is that once I stopped purging the weight started piling on, and I've pretty much been on a non-stop diet since then. Dieting constantly has made me very sick.
That's where the juice fast comes in. That's the real reason I started the juice fast- to try and heal myself. And I'm doing a lot better. My chronic migraines are gone. My skin disorder is clearing up. My digestive problems are starting to improve. I have more energy, and I've broken my caffeine addiction. I realize, however, that this process is entirely in vain if I don't stop the problem that started everything in the first place. What's the use in healing myself if I'm going to just go back and start hurting myself all over again when I'm done? It's like cutting, only on the inside, and I have to stop picking up the razor.
Because of this, I've decided that this year I'm going to do it. I'm going to stop binging. This will be a very frustrating and sometimes discouraging process, and it will involve bringing up a lot of the negative stuff in my life that I usually try to gloss over. If you don't want to read about it, I understand. There is so much negativity on the net these days that I'm sure you can find more uplifting stuff to read.
Part of conquering an addiction, however, is accountability. There are groups like Over-Eaters Anonymous that are dedicated to this sort of thing, but for some reason sitting in a dingy church basement talking about food doesn't seem like the best first step for me. Part of the reason I binge is because I suffer from crippling social anxiety, and going out in public and talking to strangers seems like it would cause more stress (and thus more binging). So I'm using my own little blog as a platform for accountability. I hope that by June I'll be able to work up the courage to go to some meetings. Until then, I will be reporting my binges and successes on this blog. I appreciate your support and patience with me while I attempt to figure this out. And maybe along the way I can help somebody out there that is secretly fighting the same battle. 
Also, I'd like to mention that if you feel like you are suffering from something similar, you really should consider discussing this with a qualified medical professional. Unfortunately for me, hubby's health insurance was canceled this year, and I can't sign up for insurance at my work until August. We make too much to qualify for financial assistance, and too little to be able to afford that sort of thing out-of-pocket. Otherwise, I'd probably also be trying to work this out with a therapist. 
So here I am; trying to paddle up-creek in a leaky canoe all by myself. I always say there's no time like the present, however, and I'm no longer okay with waiting until "later" to do what I know I should be doing today. So in the sake of honesty and fairness, I will start with yesterday.
When I got home from work yesterday, I was exhausted. I woke up at 6, made juice for myself and Luis, then went to my emotionally and physically draining job. I didn't eat lunch. I rarely have time for lunch. I am usually making copies or running errands. Instead, I snacked on sunflower seeds and banana chips all day. School got out at 3:00, but I had to stay later to work on a project that isn't even really my job, for an audit that shouldn't be my responsibility, which will happen tomorrow. I was angry, tired, hungry, and frustrated by the time I got home at 4:30. I was also lonely. I come home to an empty house every day. I hate it. So instead of calling someone (social anxiety), or doing something productive, I ate a box of nerds, a handful of gummy bears, 2 marzipan candy clusters, some sauteed mushrooms, a big bowl of beans and cheese. Afterward I felt full. And a little better. But still so, so tired and lonely. I watched tv for an hour until Luis came home. I was feeling better when he got home, but then he left to go do his church calling, and while he was gone I had a big bowl of chocolate ice cream instead of eating any sort of real dinner. I didn't feel like I deserved dinner since I'd eaten so much junk food during the day, but then my blood sugar got low and I had to eat something carby fast, and the only thing I could find was the ice cream. 
Today my goal today is to find some time at work to eat something filling, and to do something that makes me happy when I get home from work today. What that is, I don't know. I do know, however, that it feels good to try.