I have decided recently to be as open about my fertility treatments as possible. After all, anywhere from 1 in 10 to 1 in 5 women will have to confront this at some point in their life, so we might as well talk about it, right?
Hubs and I have been (kinda) trying for a baby for 6 1/2 years now. When I say kinda, I mean we weren't preventing, but really only about 2 1/2 of those years were we actually actively working with some sort of medical professional. Usually I get burnt out after about 6 months and I have to take a LOOONG break.
Our diagnosis is that I have poor quality ovaries. Because of this, I only sometimes produce eggs, and rarely to maturity. It is not classical PCOS, where the ovaries are pumping out immature follicles all the time and never releasing them. My ovaries just don't do much at all, ever, apparently. The "why" in all of this is a mystery. Could be poor medical care when I was a youngster. Lifestyle choices. Something that happened in vitro. No one is sure.
The good news is that I'm not in premature ovarian failure, and the RE I'm working with seems fairly certain that my bum ovaries will respond to injectible fertility drugs. The bad news is that when I'm not actively trying to conceive I should be in birth control pills forever so that I don't end up getting cancer. The chances of me ever conceiving spontaneously are slim to none. That's kind of depressing, but I guess it could be a lot worse so I'm okay with it.
Upon being presented with the option to either go on the pill or try our hand with the fertility stuff, we have decided that if we are ever going to attempt to have kids it should be now. We're relatively financially stable, we don't have any major job or personal related drama going on in our lives (for like the first time in many years). We have the room. We have the moolah. I'm old enough to be taken seriously by the folks who do this sort of thing and young enough that my body still has a strong chance of responding to treatments and conceiving.
More importantly, I'm at the point where I emotionally don't really care any more. Infertility is difficult. I read somewhere that it is as, if not more difficult for most women to deal with emotionally than cancer. I have spent about 6 years feeling bad and being angry at my body for a defect that is not my fault and that I have no control over. A few months ago I realized that my feelings of fear, anger, and frustration were not directed towards being childless- they were because I am imperfect; and because of that imperfection I couldn't have what most women take for granted- a healthy body that is capable of making babies whenever you want. By the way, if you do have a healthy body that is capable of making babies whenever you want, say a prayer of thanks right now. Do it. Seriously. You probably take your reproductive tract WAY for granted.
But back to the case at hand. Once I realized that the baby wasn't the cause or solution to my body issues, it was like a tremendous weight had been lifted off of me. I am okay now with the idea of not having babies, and more importantly I've made my peace with my bum ovaries. It sounds cliché, but letting go and accepting that I am not in control really freed me to feel really good about myself for the first time possibly ever.
I also realized that I don't really want a big family anyway. I'd honestly be happy only ever having 1 or 2 children of my own, in addition to Andrei whom I will always consider to be a little bit mine since I've had such a big hand in raising him. If I don't ever get my 1 or maybe 2 babies, I'll be disappointed, but not devastated. And believe it or not I'm actually really ridiculously happy with my life the way it is right now sans child. I know that admitting that is the kiss of death and a refrigerator will probably fall on my truck burning me badly and paralyzing me from the neck down on the way home today, but so what? I really am happy right now so why not admit that?
Anyway, I figure that all things considered, now is the time to try. If it works, fantastic! If not, I'll be alright. I've decided recently that hard things are only hard if you let them be, anyway.
As far as the details about what I'm going to be doing, It's kind of long and drawn out, so I'll probably blog about that later today or tomorrow. I figure that even if you never have to go through this, it's probably good to know what your sisters/aunts/friends/cousins/coworkers are going through.
And if you DO have to go through the rigamaroll of Assisted Reproductive Technology, hopefully in reading this you'll realize you are not alone or some sort of weird, hideous mutant who should be placed in a colony with other barren women and left to die. I know that's crossed my mind a few times over the years, which is why I'm blogging about all of this in the first place.
1 comment:
Good luck, Cam! I'd be interested to read about your procedures. We haven't started any of that yet, and to be frank, I don't want to. My health is bad enough as it is. I tell myself all the time that I'd be okay if I didn't have kids, but I don't know that that's true. There are so many things I do love about my current life, though, so we'll see. You know you have my prayers!
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