The Book

So today's post is dedicated to my dear husband.
We have a joke in our family that Luis should be a professional self-help speaker and author. The topic of his life-changing seminar would be El Libro, the shortened title of his personal bible "El Libro de Marrete." This is not a religious text, although to him it is somewhat of a religion and requires the sort of passionate devotion that only the truly religious have. No. "Marrete" in Spanish means cheapskate. Yup. My husband is the cheapest person on the planet, a fact which he takes pride in.
Chapter one of The Book would be how to save money at home. It would include his extensive list of personal obsessions- turning off all the lights in the house except for the one that you are currently using, upgrading all your lightbulbs to 10 W energy efficient bulbs (which he calculates saves us around $100 a year or more in energy costs- I argue he spends that much on the lightbulbs- it's an ongoing debate), using outside air for climate control (meaning he insists on driving with the windows down all of the time), the 7 minute shower, overloading the washing machine to wash fewer loads, turning off the stove and oven 3.75 minutes before your food is finished cooking and using the radiant heat to finish the meal, and a host of other penny pinching tips.
Chapter two would cover shopping- only buying food in bulk and then portioning out into smaller sizes, obsessively price comparing, making work lunches for $1 or less, meal planning on a budget, only purchasing clothing if it's not on the clearance rack at a thrift store or outlet center, patching up old stuff to stretch out its lifespan, and refusing to purchase anything that costs more than $10 ever, etc.
Chapter three would be car purchasing and maintenence and would cover how to find a cheap mechanic that won't rip you off (the answer to this, btw is to work at a pawn shop and get to know all the mechanics in town on a first name basis), purchasing used cars from auctions, driving them for 2 years and the reselling them for pretty much the same price you paid for them in the first place, carpooling with random people to save on gas, the moped as a concept that American's need to learn to embrace, and ignoring minor vehicle malfunctions such as a window that only rolls down half way or a missing door panel.
Chapter four involves vacationing and includes only taking trips that are within driving distance, driving requirements in foreign countries (why spend $500 each to FLY to Guadalajara MX when it's a quick 3 day drive from home and you can pack a car with up to 5 adults and 2 children?), making the most out of your Costco gas club membership, eating off the Dollar Value menu is not as cheap as packing PB and J sandwiches and 2 liters of generic soda, etc.

Just so you don't think that he's the only tightwad in the family I have a few contributions as the reigning "Cheapest Woman Alive":
I would have chapter 5- why planting a vegetable garden is cheaper and more nutritious than purchasing produce, how many different fruits and veggies can you pack into a .17 acre lot (don't plant corn- it takes up too much space!), and the real possibilities of urban chicken farming (he won't let me, although I SWEAR we could be saving like up to $10 a month in eggs, and Provo is changing its zoning laws to allow families to have up to 5 chickens in their back yards!).
I would also probably have chapter 6- cosmetics and hair- how to stretch your mascara tube out a few weeks longer, why long hair costs lest money to keep up in the long run than short, how to give yourself salon styles with 4 simple (and cheap!) tools, etc.
I might consider a chapter on "spray paint and you- high-price interior design for the cost of a can of Krylon." This would also include a sub-section on how to find leather furniture and electronics for cheap on Craigslist.
We're taking pre-orders now.
I'm just kidding, of course, but we are really cheap, and that's sadly a source of pride for us. We save a lot of money doing ridiculous stuff like washing and reusing disposable dishes, but it sure makes us (especially Luis) happy to know that our hard-earned money is not going to waste. I was reminded of this last night when we forced ourselves to do some clothes shopping. The lady at the counter looked at us funny while ringing up all the $3 and $4 dollar purchases we were making. We explained that we like to be frugal and that it's better for the environment to buy used anyway. She looked at us even funnier after that.