I have a super-warped vision of family because, let's be truly honest here, my family is like the exact opposite of traditional. Without pointing fingers or naming names I can safely say that my childhood was difficult and that my idea of family is not linear or concrete but more of a nebulous haze floating around me which I sometimes choose to be a part of and other times not. For the past 7 years, I mostly choose not.
That's really weird coming from someone who grew up in a church where the motto is "family first." But I got the idea early on that my family was whomever I wanted it to be, and some times I'm only okay with being a family of 3. That's a strange concept for most people, but especially for my husband, who has a pretty standard and very united (and outgoing) family. Sometimes they're too united for me and I hide in my office for weeks at a time because they won't go away.
The point of all of this is that I am paralyzingly xenophobic- I'm even afraid of answering the telephone, believe it or not, because I'm not always sure who it is. Since a large part of my family is oddly enough very much strangers to me, I usually avoid ...pretty much everyone. To make a long story short, most of my family is cool with spending time with me on their home turf but rarely on my home turf, and I am not usually comfortable going "out" to "see" people. Because of this, I don't really do a lot of things with people other than my husband's family and circle of friends- I couldn't keep them away from my house if I had a moat, barbed wire fence, and armed guard. Surprisingly, this really doesn't bother me that much.
This worries me- the xenophobia and social anxiety, but not enough to get help because getting help would involve going someplace to "see" somebody and talking to multiple strangers.
It's starting to be kind of a big deal, these days, because my youngest brother will most likely be moving in with me. I was going to make the announcement when the time got a little closer, but we kind of fast-tracked this thing and he bought a ticket to fly here from Virginia in a couple of weeks, so I guess it's pretty close to a done deal. I'm excited, because I love him very much. I'm also worried that I will have trouble allowing someone into my inner circle which is so very, very closed most of the time.
In the long run, though, I think it will be very good for me. And for now, I'm just wondering how many people out there also suffer from social anxiety and an overwhelming fear of strangers, and if I'm the only person on Planet Earth who's sometimes scared of being with their family?
7 comments:
Me! I totally get the phone thing - most of the time, I make Chad make doctor appointments or anything like that. Seeing a shrink is a BIG deal, and let me tell you, anti-anxiety stuff is doing wonders for me. But I am right there with you girl. Doesn't help so much with in-law relations. :P Sometimes I wonder why we weren't best friends in high school...
First of all, Brendon's moving out here?! Awesome! Maybe now I can get to know my little brother as more than just a kid who occasionally makes smartly funny statements on facebook.
Now, as for the other, I do understand on some level, being a part of that same nebulous cloud of family. I, too, dislike the phone. I am usually fine with strangers, though. Okay, not always outgoing with them (sometimes I get almost paralyzingly shy). But it's the people I know but who aren't in my very innermost circle who I tend to avoid on the phone. In person I can handle most people. But, I have a big thing against making (and often receiving) phone calls from people such as in-laws or distant family or acquaintances. Unless it's somebody from church. I can usually handle those calls without real issue.
So, basically, I am messed up, too. But not in the same ways or to exactly the same extent. I attribute part of it to nature and part of it to nurture. (The argument between which our family is a perfect study for.) But, I am proud of you for taking such a big step.
Also, I would come to your turf more often (and often think I should call you, but then there's the whole phone thing again), but transportation is often such an issue for me. And the times when I need to get out and away from home the most are so often the times I am completely burnt out and not handling life (or my kids) very well and the thought of taking my kids all out somewhere alone for any length of time often gets very wearing on me. I'm sorry I'm not better at being involved.
Oh, and also, I love you.
I have a similar problem, but with my friends. It's a wonder I even have friends. Sometimes I can't even bring myself to email them. I always have a small panic attack about an hour before either going out with or having friends come over. I almost cancel every time. I don't know what it is, but I just can't handle it. That's why my friends in LA were so great. They were totally cool with me blowing them off or ignoring their phone calls occasionally.
word verifictaion: pingy ... hehe!
Moral of the story: Our family is not quite right when it comes to people in general and sociality in specific.
I have the same issues with the phone. It's so weird because I'm usually an outgoing person. I get a little nervous when I hang out with people I don't see often, too. I used to get nervous around my in-laws but now it's like, nah, I'm just going to be myself and they can deal with it, LOL. So will it be okay to sew with you? I don't have to come over if it makes you anxious.
Wow. Who knew this was such a hot button topic? @Natalie: I was pretty reclusive in high school, too. That' probably why we didn't hang out much. @Melissa: I'm pretty sure having 3 kids aged 5 and under gives you a get out of jail free pass, although with Bren living in my house now you have all the more reason to come over. @Emily: you at least have friends. I literally have like one friend that is not a work associate that I made after college. I think you're doing great! @Alisha: of course you're still invited! I really need more social contact and I think you are totally one of the cool kids. @Shasta: no matter what, we'll ALWAYS have 3 am Jungle Fever. Muahahahahaha! LOVE you ladies! Thanks for keeping me sane!
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Okay... So as some one you use to be "alone" with in College... um yea... I have issues.
I can't completely explain them as well as you can, but I can act all outgoing, but I am screaming on the inside most of the time. Than when I tell someone I am shy they look at me like I am crazy... Just cause I can be loud and assertive, does not mean you are in my inner circle and I hang out with you... I do my responsibilities and hope to do them well, but friendships ellude me. It even affects how close I let my spouse get to me on occasion... so ya... You aren't the only one who cringes when the phone rings and begs your spouse to answer...
Loves to you CAMI!
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